No Godzilla v King Kong 2.0 as PSG-Bayern sequel fails to hit first-leg highs

Bayern Munich v PSG, part II. As Paolo di Canio described it, “Godzilla v King Kong”. But you know the way it goes, sequels rarely come within an ass’s roar of the original, which belonged in the Louvre.

But look it, how could anything possibly come close to the exhilarating wackadoo madness that was that 5-4 first leg in Paris? The only person on earth who hoped there would be no repeat was our Kenny Cunningham.

Kenny had left Premier Sports’ Eoin McDevitt and Shay Given’s jaws in or around floor-level after the first leg when he declared himself deeply miffed by the nine-goal spectacle. Because, as a member of the defenders’ club, he couldn’t focus on the majesty of the attacking play, only the mayhem of the efforts to thwart it.

He insisted, then, that the game couldn’t possibly be classed as “great”. “A great game is when both facets of the teams are at their optimum level. Of course, a 0-0. I would take the 2003 Juventus v Milan final every day of the week.”

Now, if you’re antiquated enough to recall that game, it was one that robbed you of 90 minutes plus extra-time plus penalties from your life. Time you will never, ever get back. It stank Old Trafford out.

But, in fairness, despite featuring attacking luminaries like Alessandro Del Piero and Andrea Pirlo, defensive royalty the likes of Paolo Maldini, Alessandro Nesta, Lilian Thuram and Igor Tudor, who went on to have a hugely successful managerial career in London (Spurs fans: “Hello?”), dominated proceedings.

In a nod to Kenny’s love of that game, Eoin treated him to the highlights. They lasted 2.4 seconds, concluding with the winning penalty in the shoot-out after the 0-0 draw. Kenny purred.

“To be fair to Kenny, it’s in the eye of the beholder,” said Nicky Butt of the definition of beauty, Butty on Premier punditry duty for the night, squeezed between Kenny and Shay. “But I’m hoping for the same again, I don’t care what Kennys says.”

Shay concurred, but Kenny was still going on about “magnificent 0-0s”. “There’s never a goal you couldn’t defend better, that’s a fact.” Eoin, Nicky and Shay tried hard not to roll their eyes.

Butty’s appearance, incidentally, called to mind that time Pelé picked him out as player of the tournament at the 2002 World Cup, ahead of the likes of Ronaldinho, Rivaldo and Ronaldo. Never again did anyone ask ‘show me your medals’ when assessing the expertise of a pundit.

Over on RTÉ, meanwhile, Peter Collins had Didi Hamann and Kevin Doyle for company, Didi having tremendously enjoyed the first leg, but guessing that the respective gaffers would want to tighten up a touch at the back in the second. “Tactics might play a part at some stage,” he forecast. In other words, we might be denied the delights of kamikaze football.

Team news. Harry Kane, need it be said, leading the Bayern line. Just the 54 goals and seven assists in his 47 games this season, underlining the accuracy of this couch’s prediction a few years back that he’d amount to nothing much.

Off we went. A much tighter game than the one in Paris, a whole two minutes and 22 seconds on the clock before Khvicha Kvaratskhelia – or KK as we prefer to call him – worked his wonders at the end of a highly gorgeous counter-attack and set up Ousmane Dembélé to put PSG 6-4 up on aggregate.

Ally McCoist emoted, loudly, on TNT, Steven Gerrard was his usual effervescent self: “Eh.”

Of course, we were all then anticipating a repeat of the first leg, but it ended up being more ‘My Little Pony v My Little Pony’ than ‘Godzilla v King Kong’, Harry’s equaliser coming much too late to shift us to the edge of our seats. Still absorbing, though, but less kamikaze.

PSG march on, then. Come Budapest at the end of the month, it’ll be the Gunners v the Gauls, so to speak. If Kenny has his way, it’ll go to penalties after a 0-0 draw. We can but hope that both sides set aside the art of defending to leave us purring, and Kenny aghast.

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